Long-Term Affects of Child Abuse

Child abuse is a devastating and tragic experience that can leave long-lasting emotional, psychological, and physical scars. While the immediate impact on children is often heartbreaking, the effects of abuse often extend into adulthood, shaping the victim's future in profound and harmful ways. As a society, we must understand these long-term consequences to offer better support for survivors and prevent future abuse.

This blog will delve into the various forms of child abuse, its long-term effects on individuals as they grow older, and how these effects manifest in adult life.

Types of Child Abuse

Child abuse can take various forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. Each form of abuse has its unique set of consequences, but all share the potential to damage a child’s development and well-being.

1. Physical Abuse: Physical abuse includes any form of violence or harm inflicted on a child’s body, such as hitting, beating, or burning. The visible effects are often easier to recognize, but the emotional scars left behind can be more profound.

2. Emotional Abuse: Emotional or psychological abuse involves verbal attacks, constant criticism, humiliation, and other behaviors that damage a child’s sense of self-worth. This form of abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse.

3. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse occurs when a child is forced or coerced into sexual activities by an adult or older individual. The betrayal of trust, combined with feelings of shame and guilt, often leaves victims with severe emotional and psychological damage.

4. Neglect: Neglect occurs when a caregiver fails to provide for a child's basic needs, including food, shelter, education, medical care, and emotional support. Neglect can lead to developmental delays, poor health, and emotional instability.

The Long-Term Psychological and Emotional Impact of Child Abuse

Childhood abuse can create a deep emotional wound that follows victims into adulthood. Survivors of abuse often experience a range of mental health issues, including:

1. Anxiety and Depression

Abused children are more likely to experience anxiety and depression as adults. The constant fear, insecurity, and trauma experienced during childhood often leave lasting psychological effects. Survivors may suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, or chronic depression.

Research shows that adults who were abused as children are more likely to experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming feelings of distress related to the abuse can interfere with daily functioning, relationships, and overall mental health.

2. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Children who grow up in abusive environments often internalize negative messages from their abusers. As adults, they may struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Emotional abuse, in particular, instills a belief in survivors that they are not deserving of love, care, or success. This negative self-perception can result in difficulties forming healthy relationships and pursuing career goals.

3. Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships

Survivors of child abuse frequently struggle with relationships in adulthood. Having grown up in an environment of mistrust and fear, they may find it difficult to trust others or form meaningful emotional connections. Attachment issues are common, with some individuals avoiding intimacy and emotional closeness, while others may cling to unhealthy or codependent relationships. The fear of abandonment or rejection often lingers, making it hard to develop healthy, secure attachments.

Abuse can also lead to boundary issues, where survivors either struggle to assert their boundaries or build walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. This can lead to dysfunctional relationships, either marked by a lack of emotional connection or by repeated involvement with abusive or manipulative partners.

4. Substance Abuse and Addiction

Adults who experienced child abuse are more likely to develop substance abuse problems as a way to cope with the emotional pain and trauma. Drugs, alcohol, or other addictive behaviors can become mechanisms to numb feelings of anxiety, depression, or isolation. Unfortunately, substance abuse can lead to a cycle of self-destruction, often furthering the emotional damage caused by the initial abuse.

5. Mental Health Disorders

In addition to anxiety and depression, survivors of child abuse may develop other mental health disorders, such as bipolar disorder, personality disorders, dissociative identity disorder (DID), or borderline personality disorder (BPD). The emotional and psychological strain of childhood abuse disrupts the brain’s normal development, leading to long-lasting mental health challenges that require professional treatment.

The Physical Health Effects of Childhood Abuse

In addition to the emotional and psychological effects, child abuse can also have severe physical health consequences that last into adulthood.

1. Chronic Health Conditions

Studies have shown that adults who were abused as children are more likely to suffer from chronic health conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and autoimmune

disorders. The stress and trauma endured during childhood can lead to physiological changes in the body, such as inflammation and altered stress hormone levels, which contribute to the development of long-term health problems.

2. Self-Harm and Suicidal Tendencies

Survivors of child abuse are at a higher risk of engaging in self-harm or experiencing suicidal thoughts. The intense emotional pain and unresolved trauma may lead individuals to hurt themselves as a way to cope or express their distress. Without proper intervention and mental health support, these individuals may be at increased risk of suicide attempts.

3. Higher Risk of Re-victimization

Tragically, adults who were abused as children may be more likely to experience further abuse or victimization later in life. The trauma of childhood abuse can distort a survivor’s ability to recognize unhealthy behaviors in others, potentially leading them into abusive relationships or environments as adults. Furthermore, the ingrained feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness may leave survivors vulnerable to exploitation by others.

The Societal and Economic Impact

The effects of child abuse extend beyond the individual and impact society as a whole. Adults who suffer from the long-term consequences of abuse may struggle with maintaining steady employment, leading to economic instability. They may also experience difficulties in education, social integration, and personal development, limiting their potential contributions to society.

Moreover, the health care system bears a significant burden, as abused individuals often require more medical and mental health services throughout their lives. The social costs of untreated trauma, including addiction, homelessness, and crime, further compound the societal impact of childhood abuse.

Healing and Moving Forward

Despite the devastating effects of child abuse, survivors can recover and lead fulfilling lives with the right support and interventions. Therapy is often a crucial step in the healing process, allowing survivors to process their trauma, rebuild self-esteem, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Various forms of therapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-focused therapy, and group counseling, can provide valuable tools for healing.

Survivors must also work on rebuilding trust in themselves and others, setting healthy boundaries, and addressing any underlying mental health or addiction issues. It’s essential for survivors to seek support from friends, family, and professionals who understand their experiences and can help them navigate the healing process.

Conclusion

Child abuse leaves long-lasting scars that affect survivors in every aspect of their adult lives. Understanding these long-term effects is crucial for providing support, promoting healing, and preventing future abuse. With the right resources, survivors of child abuse can overcome their trauma and build a future defined by resilience and hope, rather than the pain of the past.

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You Can't Make Me!

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

“You Can’t Make Me!” The public perception of what family law requires from parents lags by several decades. In the 1970s, it stated that a child aged 12 or older could “decide” which parent to live with. I’ve spent years explaining that the law has changed since; children are no longer in charge of this monumental decision. The related issue of whether a child can be forced to attend parenting time is evolving, although the Ohio legislature hasn’t yet enacted any statutory mandates. Instead, the issue of when a custodial parent can be held in contempt for not forcing a child to attend court-ordered parenting time is being addressed in individual cases with no more guidance than to follow what’s in the best interest of the child. Traditionally, risk to health or safety is a defense to not sending a child of any age to parenting time. The risk must be substantial; a dirty house, lack of hygiene, swearing or bad movie choices are not reasons to deny parenting time. Drug use, chronic sewage issues and the nearness of sex offenders to the child are risks that can justify a parent not sending a child for parenting time. There’s another class of cases where the law is evolving: What if a child simply does not want to see the other parent? What if there are issues between the child and parent that pose “only” a psychological risk to the child? When can the custodial parent take matters into his or her own hands and simply not make the child go? A recent case from an Ohio Appeals Court is instructive. In it, the children (aged 11 and 13) didn’t want to visit their father for many reasons. Said father had a physical altercation with his brother and the police were called. One time he wouldn’t let the children leave the car while he was dropping them back to their mother because he was unsure if the mother was home; the children finally climbed out of the car’s windows. Overall, the relationship between him and the children had deteriorated to the point where the children refused to spend overnights with him — and then refused to go at all. The father had filed a contempt action against the mother, alleging that she had violated his court-ordered parenting time by not sending the children to spend time with him. The mother admitted that the children had not gone on parenting time; but her defense was that the children were afraid of their father, and she would not force them to go. Roughly two years of expensive litigation followed. The magistrate judge found the mother’s defense unacceptable and held her in contempt. After mother had filed objections, the court reversed the magistrate. And when the father appealed, the Appeals Court also sided with the mother. The reasoning of the Appeals Court covered three main areas. 1) The age of the children. The Appeals Court agreed with the trial judge that the mother couldn’t physically force the children to go to their father’s house; both children were simply too big to be man-handled. They had reached ages where they could have input on the visitation schedule and whether to go. The Appeals Court referenced the “suitable age” of the children several times. The children were 13 and 15 by the time the Court of Appeals reviewed the case, and it backed up the discretion of the trial court when the children were only 11 and 13. There’s no “magic age” where children have input. But the larger their size and age, the larger their input. 2) The independent decision of the child. The father had blamed the mother entirely for the children’s refusal to see him. Both courts found that she had encouraged the children to attend and the children had made up their own minds that they didn’t want to see their father because of his own behavior while they were with him. It’s implied that a child must be of sufficient age in order to make an independent and reasonable decision about parenting time. 3) The actions of the mother. The father had made much of the mother’s failure to punish the children for refusing to attend parenting time. The magistrate agreed with him, but two higher courts did not. There was no express obligation on her to impose consequences for the children’s refusal. She had testified that she listened to the reasons they didn’t want to go; if those reasons seemed reasonable, she didn’t impose punishments. The mother never failed to provide transportation or offer enticements such as vacations to lure the children away from wanting to spend time with their father. Takeaways Parenting time orders for older children are tricky; I believe this is a reason that standard orders of parenting time simply don’t work on older children. Whether a parent should demand that a child go to parenting time depends on every fact and circumstance and the history of the case. Custodial parents should be very leery of disobeying court orders; court orders are not suggestions and violations carry stiff penalties. Non-custodial parents should take serious stock of themselves if their children don’t want to see them. The typical scenario is for the parent to become offended, blame the custodial parent, and then file litigation. Children are people, and people want what they want. The line is fine with growing children testing the limits of defiance. Both parents should look carefully at the reasons for that defiance and evaluate what’s a legitimate gripe, what’s simply drama and what’s an attempt at gaining control. Sadly, that’s virtually impossible to accomplish between bitterly divorced parents.

Jenn and Maddie

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

A Haunting Parenting Tale The details of the Maddie Soto murder case in Kissimmee, Florida, will not be repeated here. Rather, I’m going to offer a panoramic view of the actions by her mother, Jenn Soto, and describe the lessons to be learned from the slaughter of this blameless child. Jenn is middle-aged, overweight, and suffers from bipolar disorder and various other ailments that earn her disability money. After she and a Marine conceived Maddie, her life seemed to stabilize — if only for a short while. He quickly was out of her life. She next married a nice man with a daughter who was near Maddie’s age; the blended family of four functioned well for about a year. But slowly, her bipolar disorder blighted Jenn’s ability to be a parent or wife or even to leave her bed. Her new husband was working full-time, going to school, and parenting two young girls. He could not keep that up forever, and the two divorced the following year. They stayed friends and wanted their daughters to remain siblings. Everyone kept in touch. Jenn held sporadic jobs, but none ever lasted more than a month; she couldn’t afford to jeopardize her disability income. When the demands of raising Maddie got to be too much, she would either enlist her own mother or her extended family to take her for a few days. Maddie’s discarded corpse was found on the side of a road in February 2024. Jenn’s boyfriend of seven years is now in Florida’s Osceola County Jail awaiting trial for murder and sex abuse. As of this writing, the prosecution is seeking the death penalty. As for Jenn? She is now the most hated mother in U.S. history. Enter the Boyfriend Jenn never married Stephan Sterns (referred to hereafter as #3 because he doesn’t deserve a human name). But he was in and out of her household for roughly seven years and referred to himself as Maddie’s stepfather. Financially, he was a lost cause. He sponged off his parents, never held a job, and hand-painted expensive little figurines to help support his gaming habit. He had sleep apnea and kept an erratic schedule. His parents paid his rent, insurance and phone. Further, they often gave him spending money — even though he was 37 years old. One year, he met Jenn at Disney World in Orlando, where they both had short-term jobs. Maddie was about six years old when he met her. He and Jenn became a romantic item, and they moved in together very quickly. Although they couldn’t afford to eat out, the three of them went to parks and snuggled at home watching movies. Jenn trusted #3 completely and believed that he had her and Maddie’s best interests at heart. They broke up often, but #3 always came back to Jenn and Maddie. By February 2024, #3 had returned once again, Jenn had started yet another job, and she struggled with insomnia. Maddie had her thirteenth birthday party on a Sunday in late February, after which Jenn sent her and #3 to bed together so that she (Jenn) could get a good night’s sleep for her new job training. She never saw Maddie alive again, even though she claimed to. Revelations Neither Jenn nor #3 were accomplished liars, even though they both tried their best. Jenn told contradictory stories about when she had last seen Maddie. And her claim that she was so desperately in need of sleep fell apart when police discovered she was off work for the following Monday and Tuesday. The revelation that she, #3 and Maddie routinely slept together in the same bed, and that she would send “them” off to bed together when she herself needed a break from everybody, set off alarms with law enforcement. Ultimately, #3 surrendered his phone to police, claiming that he had accidentally hit its Reset button to restore the phone’s factory settings. Unfortunately for him, the phone failed to reset, and the police discovered more than 30,000 images of child sexual abuse material (CSAM), including 1,700 images of he and Maddie. This irrefutable evidence also established that #3 had begun sexually abusing Maddie beginning when she was 8. Jenn pretended to be flabbergasted but immediately called #3’s parents and told them their son needed a lawyer — quickly. Questions, denials, tears and charges against #3 followed. Public Fury Everyone in Florida wants Jenn to rot in jail, so much so that she is recognized in public and has gone into hiding. She has been granted derivative immunity for various interviews. To date, no charges have been filed against her, and this only adds to the public outcry. Jenn is not a woman who could talk herself out of so much as a speeding ticket. She had no explanation as to why her first reaction to the pictures of her daughter performing fellatio on #3 was to tell him to lawyer up. She could not understand how her behavior, post-death of her daughter, continued to protect #3. She sent Maddie to sleep in the same bed with #3 because of her own needs and cannot recognize why that was wrong. She told police that her worst fear had been the possibility of a “Woody Allen situation” between Maddie and #3 where she would be left out in the cold. She did not understand that she had let a beast live in her house and granted it unfettered access to her daughter. Jenn Soto: One-Off or One of Many? Jenn is a tremendous wreck of a parent, and it is very easy to dismiss her as a fool. Her story nonetheless raises many issues about a parent’s duty to protect their child versus said parent’s own need for companionship. Some broad statistics are instructive. It is well-established that blended families have a divorce rate of roughly 67%. Most people with children but no partner will soon pair up again, usually with someone who is also a parent. The odds are very much against the long-term success of these unions. Jenn herself experienced this with her own short-term marriage. It is equally well-established that the presence of a non-relative male in a child’s household poses a risk of abuse roughly 11% higher than a household with biological parents. Stepmothers may be the archetype of evil in fairy tales, but the true threat comes from non-relative males. Could the best practice be to stay uninvolved until the children are emancipated? This position requires sacrifice, delayed gratification and hardship. But after all, those realities are the collective heart of true parenthood. Most women who follow this route will ultimately acknowledge that not saddling a child with a stepfather was a necessary step to their child’s safety and development. This is an extreme position to take. But Maddie would be alive if her mother had stopped at her second try. Best Practices: Spot Grooming and Safety Strategies Since most people will never make that type of short-term sacrifice, and because many stepfathers provide genuine love and care to their non-biological children, a few pointers about grooming are important. Predators groom the parent first. It is no coincidence that #3 was interested in Jenn, who had very little to offer as a partner. She was needy and naively thought he had loved her. He pursued her because of her daughter. Predators groom in the open. Grooming starts in the presence of people the child trusts. A touch to a child’s shoulder is innocent, but a touch on a child’s bare leg in the presence of the mother may not be so innocent. The mother’s silent acceptance of the bare leg touch in her presence subliminally shows the child that it is acceptable. Once the child is “calibrated” to one touch, it is easier for the abuser to move forward. It happens gradually, then suddenly. Hemingway said this about how he went bankrupt, but his quip applies to sex abuse of children as well. Maddie did not sleep in the same bed alone with #3 on day one. Over time, it started with the three of them watching movies on the couch and then on the bed, then the three of them falling asleep together, and then Maddie and #3 sleeping in the same bed without Jenn. It took years for a full-blown sex act to take place. Jenn did not trust #3 at all to start with, but then trusted him all at once. Safety strategies. Most relationships reach a point where the “big” conversations take place. These usually include financial status, past relationships and long-term plans. Sadly, in many relationships, more time gets devoted to wedding planning than to the everyday nitty-gritty of living together. Mothers should develop a specific safety script to screen potential abusers before granting a new partner access to their children. It should include questions such as whether the prospective partner has ever had sexual thoughts about children; whether they themselves were ever abused; and what they think should happen to child sex abusers. Discussions should include basic boundaries, such as who should sleep where; whether bathroom doors are ever left open when in use; the limits of horseplay and wrestling; and whether a child can refuse physical affection such as a hug or kiss. An unwillingness to take part in such a frank discussion is a harbinger of trouble. Every household has certain house rules, and these rules should include mutual understandings about how adults interact with children. Non-relative males should know the house rules on physical punishments, teasing and when to stop, and on commenting on a child’s body. Undoubtedly, some will characterize this advice as liberal meddling into the private lives of citizens. Clear expectations on behavior are the backbone of effective safety strategies to avoid child abuse. Summary Jenn wanted a relationship so badly that she would accept it on any man’s terms. Some say that she simply pimped out her daughter to #3. There is speculation that she and #3 were part of a criminal enterprise that sold child porn for profit. Others reported that she and Maddie were very close and loved each other dearly, but that Jenn was with #3 for so long that she became blind to the obvious. Some say her mental illness is to blame. None of these theories change the fact that Maddie died at 13 by the hands of Jenn’s #3. Here are the hard lessons that parents should consider: 1. The best practice for a child’s well-being may be to avoid a stepparent situation altogether. The failure rate for blended families is so high that an objective conclusion is that they’re simply not worth the risk. Few parents will have a step-partner who ends up with a Death Row case. Many more will not consider the implications of allowing a stranger full access to their child. The risk that these parents take is not their own, but their child’s. 2. The next best practice is for the biological parent to stay ever vigilant about the relationship between their child and the stepparent. Trust slowly and never completely. Monitor the stepparent’s increasing access that seems to happen naturally and stop it. Make a clean break. Finally Everyone familiar with Maddie Soto is haunted by her death. Jenn Soto’s behavior was at the very least reckless, but there are many parents who take unnecessary risks with their children by not understanding the potential danger posed by non-relative parents. The lack of a thoughtful safety strategy

Signs of a Toxic Marriage

By Anne Harvey • February 4, 2025

How a Marriage Grows Toxic and Signs That It May Be Coming to an End Marriage is often seen as a lifelong partnership built on love, trust, and mutual respect. However, over time, certain issues can surface, transforming what once was a healthy relationship into something toxic. Understanding how a marriage can grow toxic and recognizing the signs that it may be coming to an end is crucial for individuals who may be grappling with a difficult relationship. How a Marriage Grows Toxic 1. Communication Breakdown One of the earliest signs that a marriage is becoming toxic is a breakdown in communication. When partners stop discussing their feelings, concerns, or aspirations openly, misunderstandings and resentment can build. Over time, silence can turn into emotional distance, and minor disagreements can escalate into full-blown arguments because issues are left unresolved. 2. Emotional Disconnection Emotional intimacy is key to a healthy marriage. When one or both partners start to feel emotionally disconnected, it can signal the beginning of a toxic dynamic. This disconnection often leads to feelings of loneliness, frustration, or neglect, as partners stop seeking emotional support from each other. Emotional withdrawal can also be a coping mechanism for avoiding conflict, further widening the gap between spouses. 3. Constant Criticism and Blame Criticism is normal in any relationship, but when it becomes a constant feature of interactions, it can poison the marriage. Instead of addressing issues constructively, one partner might constantly criticize or blame the other, eroding their self-esteem. Over time, this dynamic can lead to feelings of worthlessness and resentment, contributing to an unhealthy environment. 4. Growing Contempt Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a marriage. It goes beyond criticism and includes expressions of disgust, disdain, and disrespect. When partners start to treat each other with contempt—rolling their eyes, mocking, or making belittling remarks—this indicates that the relationship has crossed into toxic territory. 5. Resentment Builds Over Time Unresolved issues, unmet expectations, and emotional wounds can lead to a buildup of resentment. When partners fail to address these underlying problems, the anger and bitterness can fester, turning small conflicts into larger issues. Resentment causes partners to view each other in a negative light, which can further damage the relationship. 6. Lack of Physical Intimacy Physical intimacy is an important part of any marriage. When the physical connection diminishes, it can signify emotional detachment. Couples who no longer share affection, like hugging, kissing, or even holding hands, may feel like roommates rather than partners. This lack of intimacy can reinforce emotional distance and lead to further strain in the marriage. 7. Unhealthy Power Dynamics Toxic relationships often involve imbalanced power dynamics, where one partner dominates or controls the other. This can manifest in financial control, decision-making without consultation, or emotional manipulation. A healthy marriage involves mutual respect and equal partnership, and when one partner holds excessive power, it leads to an unhealthy dynamic that fosters resentment. Signs a Marriage May Be Coming to an End 1. Frequent Arguments or Silent Treatment If arguments become more frequent and intense, or if one or both partners resort to the silent treatment, it could indicate that the relationship is nearing its end. Constant fighting without resolution suggests that both individuals are no longer invested in working through their problems, while silence can signify emotional withdrawal and disinterest in the marriage. 2. Emotional or Physical Infidelity Cheating, whether emotional or physical, is often a symptom of a failing marriage. If one partner seeks intimacy, connection, or validation outside the marriage, it’s a sign that they are no longer fulfilled in the relationship. Infidelity is a clear indicator that trust has been broken, and it can be difficult to repair the marriage after such a betrayal. 3. Loss of Interest in Spending Time Together When spouses no longer enjoy each other's company or actively avoid spending time together, it may be a sign that the relationship is deteriorating. If one or both partners prioritize time with friends, work, or hobbies over their relationship, it indicates that the bond is weakening and that they may be emotionally checked out. 4. Indifference or Apathy Indifference is often a stronger indicator of a marriage's impending end than anger. When one or both partners stop caring about the outcome of conflicts, future plans, or each other's feelings, it signals emotional detachment. Apathy indicates that the effort to maintain the relationship is no longer there, and this can lead to a slow dissolution of the marriage. 5. Feelings of Relief When Apart Feeling relief or happiness when apart from your spouse can be a telling sign that the marriage is in trouble. In a healthy relationship, partners generally enjoy spending time together, even during difficult periods. When time apart feels like an escape from negativity, it may be a sign that the marriage is no longer providing the support or companionship that it once did. 6. Considering or Discussing Separation When discussions about separation or divorce become frequent, it’s a strong indicator that the marriage may be nearing its end. Even if the topic is broached in the heat of an argument, consistently thinking or talking about ending the marriage means that at least one partner is seriously contemplating life without the other. Conclusion Recognizing when a marriage has become toxic is important for individuals to make informed decisions about their future. While every marriage has its ups and downs, persistent issues like lack of communication, emotional disconnection, and growing resentment can signal deeper problems. Paying attention to the signs that a marriage may be coming to an end—such as indifference, infidelity, or frequent arguments—can help individuals decide whether to seek he

Struggles of a Single Mother

By Anne Harvey • February 4, 2025

The Struggles of a Single Mother in the United States: Navigating Life with Strength and Resilience Being a mother is often described as one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles a woman can undertake. But for single mothers in the United States, the journey can be even more arduous. Without a partner to share the load, single mothers face unique struggles that can affect their emotional, financial, and physical well-being. Despite these challenges, millions of single mothers show immense strength and resilience every day, navigating a path filled with both adversity and opportunity. 1. Financial Strain: Juggling Bills and Expenses One of the most significant challenges single mothers face is financial strain. In many cases, single mothers are the sole breadwinners for their families, often earning less than their married counterparts. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, single-mother households are more likely to live in poverty than two-parent households. With the cost of housing, healthcare, education, and childcare rising, many single mothers find themselves stretched thin financially. The struggle to make ends meet can also mean working multiple jobs or long hours, leaving little time for rest or quality time with their children. In some cases, single mothers may have to choose between paying bills and putting food on the table, a heart-wrenching decision that can add to the emotional burden they carry. 2. Balancing Work and Parenting: A Constant Tug-of-War For single mothers, the challenge of balancing work and parenting is a constant tug-of-war. With no one to share responsibilities, single moms must be both the provider and the caregiver. This often means sacrificing personal time, sleep, and even career advancement to ensure their children are well cared for. Childcare can also be a major obstacle. Finding affordable, reliable childcare can be difficult, particularly for single mothers who work irregular hours or low-wage jobs. The lack of support may force them to rely on friends, family, or even leave their children unsupervised, creating anxiety and stress over their children’s well-being. 3. Emotional and Mental Health: The Weight of Responsibility Single mothers often experience a unique emotional toll due to the overwhelming responsibility they shoulder. The pressure to provide, nurture, and protect their children without a support system can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, and anxiety. The mental and emotional weight of being the sole decision-maker for their family can also lead to burnout. Social stigmas around single motherhood may further compound these feelings. Some single mothers may face judgment or discrimination based on their marital status, making it harder to seek help or feel accepted in their communities. 4. Limited Access to Education and Career Growth Many single mothers struggle to pursue higher education or career advancement due to time constraints and financial pressures. The lack of affordable childcare, coupled with the need to work full-time, leaves little opportunity for single moms to return to school or take on additional training. Without access to further education, many single mothers are confined to low-paying jobs with limited growth opportunities, perpetuating a cycle of financial instability. This can make it harder for them to improve their family’s living conditions or break free from the financial struggles they face. 5. Healthcare Challenges Access to healthcare can be another significant hurdle for single mothers in the U.S., particularly for those without health insurance. The cost of medical care, including doctor visits, prescriptions, and emergency services, can be prohibitive for families living paycheck to paycheck. This can lead to delays in seeking necessary care for both the mother and her children, resulting in long-term health issues that could have been prevented with early intervention. 6. Social Isolation and Lack of Support Single mothers often experience a sense of social isolation, particularly if they don’t have a strong support network. Without a partner to lean on, single mothers may feel lonely and disconnected, especially when it comes to facing difficult parenting decisions or personal challenges. While family and friends can sometimes step in to provide support, not all single mothers have this luxury. The absence of a reliable support system can make everyday tasks, such as running errands or attending school events, much more difficult. Overcoming the Struggles: The Strength of Single Mothers Despite these challenges, single mothers in the United States demonstrate remarkable resilience and strength. They often find ways to overcome adversity, whether by seeking out community resources, creating their own support networks, or simply persevering through difficult times. Many organizations and government programs exist to help single mothers, offering financial assistance, affordable housing, and educational opportunities. Single mothers who are aware of these resources can find relief from some of their struggles, allowing them to focus more on their children’s well-being and their own personal growth. Conclusion: The Importance of Empathy and Support The struggles of a single mother in the United States are numerous and complex, but they are not insurmountable. By recognizing the challenges they face and offering support, whether through policy changes, community involvement, or simple acts of kindness, we can help ease the burden on single mothers. These women are raising the next generation, and it is in everyone’s best interest to ensure they have the tools, resources, and emotional support they need to thrive. Every single mother deserves recognition for the strength she embodies and the sacrifices she makes to provide a better life for her children. With more understanding, empathy, and practical support, we can create a society that uplifts and empowers single mothers in their journey.

When I Became a Guardian

By Anne Harvey • January 9, 2025

When I Became a Guardian Ad Litem Few attorneys will willingly accept a 60% hourly billing rate reduction and agree to work after hours and on weekends. After decades of flame-throwing divorce litigation, I needed a change. The change I chose required 12 hours of upfront specialized training, a criminal background check with fingerprints, and three professional references. Only after jumping these hurdles did I become eligible to be appointed as an attorney Guardian Ad Litem (“GAL”) in Ohio courts. I’ve now been a GAL for just over a year. To those unfamiliar with the vast world of child related court cases, a GAL represents the best interests of the child. This representation can take place in a custody or parenting time or visitation case; in an Abuse – Neglect - Dependency case (“AND”); or in delinquency case where the child is accused of a crime. The best interest is not representing the wishes of the child but what is in his long-term best interest. When the child wants something adverse to his own best interests, then a separate attorney is appointed to advocate for what the child’s wishes. Wanting something against one’s own best interest is proof positive that children are people too. This overlooked reality played a large factor in my decision to undertake GAL work. Abuse, Neglect, Dependency: The Terribles & Tragedies These are the cases broadcast on the local news that make the public scream for the death penalty. There is a shortage of lawyers willing to have any part of these cases because of the low pay and the horror stories that cause nightmares. As soon as I was eligible for appointments, I was assigned almost immediately to three different drug-addicted infants. All were born addicted and had to be weaned off the drugs they received in utero. My job was to monitor the mothers’ progress in rehab and determine whether the new baby would be sufficient motivation to give up their drug of choice. The fathers were either absent or unidentified. Two mothers succeeded and there was an acceptable alternative family placement for the one who did not even try. For some addicts, their drug becomes their family. The abuse and neglect cases usually meant a parent had lost control in a minute of anger or that the parent was homeless, mentally ill or disabled. A network of county services try to remedy the usually long-standing life problems that debilitate a person’s ability to care for a child. In AND cases, the GAL is appointed until the child emancipates. It would be easy to make these cases a full-time career because the children keep coming back when a parent relapses or a placement fails. The chance to have a long-term view of the child’s life and development is the best part of these appointments. The worst part is that one learns what happens behind closed doors. Delinquencies These cases remind me the most of my days as a public defender on the felony docket. The juvenile justice system is intended to rehabilitate, not punish, the child. As long as the child is not charged as an adult, the cases tend to be one-offs where a child steals a car, hits a student or steals from a store. If a child is certified as an adult, he faces the same penalties as they do “across the street,” referring to adult felony court. That street is to be avoided at all costs. Some older kids are just pre-felony adults. Much like foster kids who age out of the system, their future is not bright. Thankfully, they are still kids and do not realize how much more brutal life can become, or how quickly. Custody, Parenting and Grandparent Cases These cases have made the biggest improvements to my skills as a private attorney. I have spent most of my work life representing clients who will fight for nothing other than a chance to have fought. There are exceptions, and some clients have become life-long friends, but there are reasons the rate of alcoholism for family law attorneys is so high. For the first time as a GAL, I get to hear from both parties, and their children, directly. It has been eye-opening to watch how what the parent says is to me contrasts with their attorney’s view of the case. Spin is good, but spin is not truth, and a direct view of the parents’ behavior behind the spin is what the courts want from its GALs. Red Flags & Dog Whistles in a GAL Investigation A full 90% of complaints between parents are just bickering. The fate of the child does not depend upon who gets spring break this year; or whether the child is around a family member who smokes; or whether the child goes to dad’s house straight from school or returns to mom’s house to change clothes first. I have had to listen to these complaints from clients as a lawyer and it is refreshing to be able to bluntly shut down these notions in my role as GAL. The very first caution light is a GAL parent who requests an extended first appointment. Sixty minutes is adequate for almost all new meetings. Beyond that, the meeting devolves into a retelling of every wrong the other parent has done. If a GAL parent comes to me asking for more than 60 minutes upfront, I get scared. Obviously they have thought about what they want to convey and they expect a lot of time to tell their story. To a GAL, it’s not the parents’ story that matters, but the child’s. Sixty minutes is plenty. Even worse is the parent who brings a wheelbarrow of “evidence” to the initial meeting. This generally consists of endless text messages and calendars written in some cypher only they can understand. The very worst is the demonstrable evidence--when a parent brings in a child’s dirty underwear or even worse, a used diaper. If you do this, you have lost all perspective as a parent and as a human being and I feel sorry for your child. Another common problem is the parent who simply will not accept that their way is not the only way. Everyone thinks they know the best way to raise children, but to some parents this thought is ever present. I have seen text messages where one parent orders the other to be quiet or to stop responding. One parent would not even consider agreeing upon basic house rules that would stay the same in each house. There was no reason to consider changes or possible improvements. The very worst is the parent or client who claims the child is an angel while on their time so therefore all the problems the other parents have must be that parents’ fault. This is the ultimate weapon of blame designed to shame and shut-down the other parent. The correct response would be, why does my child believe it is appropriate to act this way with the other parent? How might I assist the child to respect the other parent? Almost always, the child’s dual behavior is caused by the contempt the righteous parent feels towards the struggling parent. Final Thoughts A good GAL must be a good observer. The GAL advocates for the child and this makes some parents feel as if the whole system is biased against them. The process is unbiased, but the GAL recommendations are based upon observation and application of the law.

Impact of Divorce on the Children

By Anne Harvey • January 9, 2025

The Impact of Divorce on Children: Emotional, Behavioral, and Psychological Effects Divorce is a life-altering event that affects not only the couple but also the children involved. When parents separate, children often face emotional and psychological challenges as they navigate the changes in their family structure. Understanding the potential impact of divorce on children is crucial for both parents and society to ensure that the well-being of the child is prioritized during and after the process. In this blog, we will explore the effects of divorce on children, the factors influencing how children cope, and strategies to support them during this difficult time. Emotional Effects of Divorce on Children The emotional response of children to divorce can vary widely depending on their age, temperament, and the circumstances surrounding the separation. However, some common emotions that many children experience include: 1. Sadness and Grief: Divorce can be a form of loss for children, akin to the death of a loved one. They may grieve the loss of the family unit, the daily presence of one or both parents, and the routines they once knew. This sadness can manifest as crying, withdrawal from family or friends, or a sense of helplessness. 2. Fear and Anxiety: The uncertainty that comes with divorce often leads to anxiety. Children may fear losing their parents' love or worry that they may never see one parent again. The disruption of their living situation, school environment, or friendships may also lead to anxiety about the future. 3. Anger and Guilt: Children sometimes feel anger towards one or both parents, particularly if they perceive one as being responsible for the breakup. Younger children may also experience guilt, mistakenly believing they somehow caused the divorce or that they could have prevented it. 4. Confusion and Emotional Instability: Divorce introduces complexities into a child’s life that can be hard to comprehend, especially for younger children. They may feel conflicted about their loyalty to both parents, or confused about how to maintain relationships with both sides of the family. This confusion can lead to emotional instability, with children vacillating between emotional highs and lows. Behavioral Effects of Divorce on Children Children's behavior often reflects the emotional turmoil they experience during and after a divorce. These behaviors can manifest in different ways depending on the child's age and personality. 1. Regressive Behavior in Younger Children: Young children, especially those under five, may revert to behaviors they had previously outgrown, such as bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or tantrums. This regression is often a response to the stress and fear that divorce brings, as they struggle to cope with the changes in their environment. 2. Academic Decline: School -aged children may experience difficulty concentrating on their schoolwork, leading to a drop in grades. Divorce can distract children from their studies due to the emotional strain, changes in their home environment, or shifts in daily routines. In some cases, children may act out in the classroom as a way of seeking attention or expressing their frustration. 3. Increased Aggression or Rebellion in Adolescents: Teenagers may express their anger or frustration about the divorce through rebellious or defiant behavior. This can include substance abuse, truancy, or risky sexual behaviors. Divorce can lead teens to challenge authority figures or rebel against established rules at home or school as they struggle to cope with the emotional fallout. 4. Social Withdrawal: On the other hand, some children respond to divorce by withdrawing socially. They may isolate themselves from friends, family, or activities they once enjoyed. This withdrawal can be a way for them to avoid discussing their feelings or confronting the changes in their family life. Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children Beyond the immediate emotional and behavioral effects, divorce can have long-term psychological impacts on children, particularly if the divorce is contentious or prolonged. 1. Depression and Anxiety: Children of divorce are at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. The stress of the separation, combined with potential exposure to parental conflict or instability, can contribute to long-term feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or chronic worry. If left untreated, these feelings can develop into more serious mental health issues that persist into adulthood. 2. Attachment Issues: Divorce can affect how children form and maintain relationships later in life. Some children may struggle with trust issues, fearing that relationships are inherently unstable. Others may become overly dependent on close relationships or avoid intimacy altogether as a defense mechanism. These attachment issues can affect friendships, romantic relationships, and their own future family dynamics. 3. Identity and Self-Esteem Challenges: Children of divorce may experience difficulties with their sense of identity, particularly if they feel caught between two households. They may struggle to understand their role within the family or where they belong. This can lead to issues with self-esteem, as children may internalize the divorce as a reflection of their own worth. Factors That Influence the Impact of Divorce on Children Not all children are affected by divorce in the same way. Several factors can influence how well a child copes with their parents' separation: 1. Age: Younger children may struggle more with understanding the reasons for the divorce, while older children and teens may be more aware of the dynamics between their parents. However, older children may also feel more burdened by the emotional weight of the situation. 2. Parental Conflict: High levels of conflict between parents, both during and after the divorce, tend to have a more negative impact on children. Witnessing arguments, hostility, or violence can be traumatic for children and exacerbate their emotional distress. 3. Parenting Styles: The level of parental involvement and consistency in parenting after divorce plays a critical role. Children tend to fare better when both parents remain actively involved in their lives and when the parents can co-parent amicably. 4. Support Systems: Children who have strong support systems, including extended family, teachers, and counselors, may cope better with divorce. Having trusted adults they can talk to and rely on can help mitigate the negative effects of the separation. Supporting Children Through Divorce While divorce is difficult, there are strategies that can help minimize its negative impact on children: 1. Open Communication: Encourage children to express their feelings and reassure them that both parents love them. Make sure they understand that the divorce is not their fault. 2. Consistency and Stability: Try to maintain a sense of routine and stability in the child’s life, including consistent rules and schedules across both households. 3. Therapy and Counseling: Professional counseling can provide children with a safe space to explore their emotions and develop coping strategies. Family therapy may also help improve communication between parents and children. 4. Minimize Conflict: Shield children from parental conflict as much as possible. When parents cooperate and show respect for one another, children are more likely to adjust healthily. Conclusion Divorce is a challenging life event for children, but with the right support and understanding, many children are able to adapt and thrive. By prioritizing the emotional and psychological well-being of children, parents can help them navigate this transition with resilience and stren

How Long Can A Child Custody Battle Last

By Anne Harvey • January 9, 2025

How Long Can a Child Custody Battle Last? Child custody battles are among the most emotionally challenging legal disputes that families can face. When parents separate or divorce, determining who will have custody of the children can become a point of deep conflict. Understanding how long a custody battle can last helps parents manage expectations and make informed decisions about their case. Several factors influence the duration of a custody battle, including the complexity of the case, the level of conflict between the parents, the court’s schedule, and whether a settlement can be reached. In this blog, we’ll explore these factors in detail and offer insights into what parents can expect when going through a child custody dispute. The Initial Stages: Filing for Custody and the Court Process The duration of a child custody battle typically starts with one parent filing for custody or a modification to an existing custody agreement. The process involves several legal steps, each of which can add to the timeline of the case. 1. Filing the Petition: The first step in a custody dispute is for one parent to file a petition with the court. This document outlines the type of custody arrangement the parent is seeking. Filing the petition can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, depending on how quickly the necessary paperwork is completed and submitted to the court. 2. Serving the Other Parent: After the petition is filed, the other parent must be formally served with the legal documents. The process of serving papers can also take time, particularly if the parent being served is difficult to locate or if there are disputes about the proper service of the documents. 3. Response Time: Once the petition has been served, the other parent has a set period of time (usually 30 days) to respond. If they fail to respond within the timeframe, the court may enter a default judgment. However, if they do respond, the case will move forward to the next stage. Mediation and Negotiation: A Faster Resolution? Many courts encourage parents to attempt to resolve custody disputes through mediation before heading to trial. Mediation is a process in which both parents meet with a neutral third party (the mediator) to try to reach an agreement on the custody arrangement. Mediation can significantly shorten the duration of a custody battle if both parents are willing to compromise. Depending on the willingness of the parents and the complexity of the issues, mediation can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. · Successful Mediation: If mediation is successful, the parents will draft a custody agreement that will be submitted to the court for approval. Once approved by the judge, the agreement becomes legally binding, and the case is resolved without the need for a trial. In this scenario, a custody battle may last only a few months. · Unsuccessful Mediation: If mediation fails, the case will proceed to trial. This adds significant time to the process, as the court will need to schedule hearings, gather evidence, and possibly involve child custody evaluators or other professionals. Factors That Can Extend a Custody Battle Several factors can prolong a custody battle, making it last months or even years in extreme cases. 1. High Conflict Between Parents: One of the biggest factors in a lengthy custody dispute is the level of conflict between the parents. If both parties are unwilling to compromise, the case is likely to drag on as each side fights for their desired outcome. High-conflict cases often require more court hearings, more evidence gathering, and more expert involvement, all of which contribute to a longer process. 2. Complex Custody Arrangements: Some custody disputes are straightforward, with one parent seeking primary custody while the other parent requests visitation rights. However, more complex arrangements, such as joint custody, split custody (where siblings live with different parents), or cases involving relocation, can add complexity and time to the case. 3. Involvement of Experts: In some cases, the court may order a child custody evaluation to determine what is in the best interests of the child. This involves a neutral evaluator meeting with the parents, the child, and sometimes other family members to make a recommendation to the court. The evaluation process can take several months to complete, adding significant time to the custody dispute. 4. Court Availability: The court’s schedule is another factor that can affect how long a custody battle lasts. Family courts are often backlogged with cases, meaning that it can take months to get a court date for hearings or a trial. Additionally, if either parent files motions or requests continuances, the case can be delayed further. 5. Domestic Violence or Abuse Allegations: If there are allegations of domestic violence or child abuse, the court will take additional time to investigate these claims. These cases often require more hearings, protective orders, and sometimes even supervised visitation, all of which can add to the overall timeline of the case. How Long Can a Custody Battle Last? On average, a child custody battle can last anywhere from a few months to over a year. In straightforward cases where both parents agree on the custody arrangement, the process may be resolved in just a few months. However, in high-conflict cases involving complex custody arrangements or allegations of abuse, the dispute can last a year or longer. Some high-profile custody battles, especially those involving relocation or serious allegations of parental unfitness, can drag on for several years, particularly if the case goes through multiple rounds of litigation and appeals. Can Anything Speed Up the Process? While the length of a custody battle is often out of the parents’ control, there are some steps that can be taken to speed up the process: · Cooperation: The more willing both parents are to negotiate and cooperate, the faster the case is likely to be resolved. Agreeing to mediation or seeking a settlement early in the process can save time and emotional stress. · Preparation: Being well-prepared for court hearings, having all necessary documentation, and working with an experienced family law attorney can help streamline the process. · Focus on the Child’s Best Interests: Courts prioritize the best interests of the child in custody disputes. Parents who can demonstrate that they are putting their child’s needs first, rather than using the custody battle as a way to "win" against the other parent, are more likely to see a quicker resolution. Conclusion The length of a child custody battle depends on a variety of factors, including the level of conflict between the parents, the complexity of the case, and the availability of the court. While some cases can be resolved in a matter of months, others may drag on for years. Working with an experienced family law attorney and staying focused on the best interests of the child can help parents navigate the process more efficiently and with less emotional toll.

Grandparenting

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

Grandparent: Noun and Verb Grandparent can be used to refer to a person’s place in the lineage of a family. Grandparent can also be used to refer to the action of an older adult who raises a grandchild in the place of the parent. One meaning is passive, while the other is active. (The same distinctions apply to parent. “Parenting” is a relatively new term referring to raising a child). Many grandparents contact my office, usually because they are in distress. Almost always, the grandparents do not like the role thrust upon them and, while they have some legal remedies, none are very good. Grandparent as a verb. The opioid crisis has caused the number of grandparents raising grandchildren to skyrocket. These folks are faced with the choice of allowing their grandchildren to enter the foster care system or to step-up and take on the arduous task of raising grandchildren. Most grandparents choose to step-up. This can unfold in many legal scenarios. Ohio has a caretaker affidavit that grants grandparents the right to obtain medical care, provide health insurance and enroll their grandchild in school. This is intended to be a short-term solution and should last only a year, although extensions can be made. This usually takes place while a child is in rehab or is serving a short prison stint. Custody does not actually change; caretaker affidavits are similar to powers of attorney (or a car lease, in even cruder terms). There are other avenues the grandparents can pursue. Probate court can grant them guardianship or outright adoption. These cases tend to be the Rolls Royces of legal proceedings. Most grandparents pursue legal custody in juvenile court in the county where they reside. Many times, an immediate order of interim custody will be granted if the child is in immediate distress. The children’s services agency can also take interim custody and eventually name the grandparents as caregivers. The end of this path is legal custody of the grandchild with some provisions made for child support and parenting time to both parents. Overall, these grandparents love and adore their grandchildren and will refill their empty nest for another round. Most of these grandchildren view the grandparents as their parents. Grandparent, the verb, attracts responsible people who step-up even though they have many legitimate fears relating to their own mortality and the future of their grandchildren. Grandparent as a noun. This distinction is intended to cover the traditional role as the grandparent who spoils their grandchildren with the consent of the parent. These scenarios take place when at least one parent has natural parental custody of their child. Unfortunately, the death of their child, alienation from one or both parents, or the absence of their adult child can send these grandparents straight to a lawyer’s office to explore their “grandparent rights.” The court to hear these cases depends upon whether the parents were divorced. If so, domestic relations court can be an option. Otherwise, it is off to juvenile court, which is still an option if the parents were divorced. Some of the most acrimonious custody cases take place between grandparents and parents. The policy behind all grandparents’ rights is to preserve the relationship between the child and grandparents. A grandparent’s adult child, with or without their spouse’s agreement, can simply cut off all contact if they deem fit. If the parents cut off the grandchild near the birth of the child, before any relationship has formed, the grandparent is likely out of options. Grandparents’ rights come only from statute, while parent rights come from the fundamental rights of the U.S. Constitution. Because of this distinction, in Ohio, the wishes of a parent are given far more consideration than the wishes of the grandparents. When the parents in fact stop all contact, the grandparents must file a court action. Usually, a Guardian Ad Litem is appointed and makes the usual recommendation after an investigation. Even if there is a positive relationship between the child and grandparents, there will rarely be a visitation order similar to the every-other-weekend prescription traditionally given to parents. Usually, the grandparents end up with far less visitation from the court than what the parent previously agreed to. I counsel grandparents not to rush to court because a lawsuit rarely improves relationships. If the grandparents insist, I counsel them to try to remedy the relationship with their child or their child’s surviving spouse. The reality is that a grandparent is just a grandparent when the child’s parents have custody of the child. Many grandparents are too aggressive and refuse to step-back and let the parents do the heavy lifting of child rearing. The lodestar for every child custody case is the best interest of the child, and it is not in the child’s best interest to observe drama and the adults behaving badly. If an adult parent has gone so far as to cut off their own parents from the child, there is usually a reason bigger than a disagreement about the Thanksgiving turkey. I counsel these grandparents to tone down their opinions, scorekeeping and expectations. Of course, this rarely is taken to heart. Irony. Most grandparents who have legal custody of their grandchildren would welcome the return of the parents to responsible parenting. Sixty is old to be battling diapers and potty training. Most grandparents who are fighting in court with their adult children (or their heirs) expect to take on the parent role to which they are not legally entitled. They would love to be able to supervise homework, sports and impose limits on the child. Perhaps someone should start a support group with the nouns and the verbs so that each

Hiring A Family Law Attorney

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

Everything you need to know about hiring a Family Law Attorney

What Happens To Children When Parents Divorce

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

The Centers for Disease Control defines an adverse childhood experience (ACE) as a negative event that happens before the age of 17. Examples of ACE include: · Experiencing or witnessing violence, abuse or neglect · A family member who dies by suicide or is sent to prison · Substance abuse or mental health problems · Instability in the household because of separation or divorce There’s a 10-question test that can evaluate a person’s ACE score. The higher the score, the greater likelihood of long-term adverse effects occurring in adulthood. While nearly everyone has an adverse experience (or two), certain factors, such as poverty, the time span of the ACE, poor education and the use of corporal punishment are aggravating factors. Loss of a Parent The lowest common denominator of the ACEs listed above is the child’s real or perceived loss of a parent. This can take many forms, and almost all forms touch upon divorce. Violence, neglect, prison and poverty are all direct causes of divorce. Conflict, turmoil and substance abuse or mental health troubles are almost always involved in a divorce. To a child, the actual status of their parents as “divorced” is less important than a parent’s non-availability for a nurturing relationship. The longer the unavailability lasts, the harder it is to overcome. Many children are relieved when their parents finally separate or divorce. But those same children are usually worn out by all the loss and drama leading up to the divorce. Divorce is not positive for children — but it needn’t ruin the rest of their lives. Here are some practical ideas to mitigate an ACE. The Big Announcement: Set the Tone Children are insightful and can sense when something big is looming. Despite the children’s awareness of their parents’ fights and misery, the formal divorce announcement is the fulfillment of their worst fears. They’ll remember it for the rest of their lives. Parents can set the tone for the future by how and what they tell their children. Timing, content and the setting are all critical. Timing Allow enough time for the children to process their immediate feelings in privacy. The worst timing I’ve seen took place when the parents told their 9-year-old daughter that they were divorcing immediately before her friends arrived for a sleepover. The child was devastated and had to face her friends in tears. Everyone felt uncomfortable and one friend wisely asked to go home. The parents mistakenly thought the sleepover would distract their daughter from this major life event. Spoiler alert: It did not. Friday after school is usually best, provided a quiet weekend is starting. Children need time to absorb, react and ask questions. Have a Script for Content Some parents tell their children that the other parent is leaving them; this is a high crime against the family. The parents should tell the children — together as a family — and have a script of what to say and not say. The children should be told it’s not their fault, that they’re all still a family, and that both parents will always love them very much. The practical issues should be worked out in the script; children are literal beings and need specific details such as who is going to move, who will be taking care of them each day, and what changes will take place immediately. Will they get to keep their dog? Will they have two sets of clothes? What if they forget their homework at the other house? Will they still go camping on spring break? Answer questions honestly and don’t be afraid to say, “We don’t know yet.” Setting The parents should tell the children together, and both should have their feelings under control. It usually should take place at home as a family meeting. The announcement will cause a wave of feelings that will likely ebb and flow for the next several days. Both parents should be available to the children during this time. The First 90 Days After Separation This is an acute period for the children. Their world has shifted and they’re usually afraid or worried about the future. Both parents should monitor their children closely during this time. Some children will develop sleep problems, bed-wetting or loss of appetite. They may lose interest in outside activities. Their grades may drop. All these symptoms should be taken seriously, and the child may need counseling or some type of medication. It’s crucial that the parents not involve their children in their own fears and worries yet provide an example of calm leadership. The in-fighting between the parents should be handled privately, without the knowledge of the children. Exchanges are notoriously difficult at this stage, and the parents should not discuss anything during exchanges. Modifications to the schedule, forgotten schoolwork and details about upcoming school events should be handled between the parents, preferably by text or on a parenting app. The children need to see things go as planned. It’s important not to involve a new partner in the children’s lives until both they and the new reality have stabilized. New partners should neither be present for the exchanges of the children nor be participating in the parental communications. Cruising Altitude and Conflicted Loyalties Soon a pattern will emerge where the children will learn their new routine and the set-up inside of each parent’s home. A big risk during this period is that the children may feel disloyal if they like one aspect of a parent’s home better than the other, or if the parents compete to be their children’s favorite. Children should be free to feel what they feel and express it openly with both parents. Most divorced parents who continue to struggle take everything that the child or other parent says or does personally. For example, if a child wants to get dressed for an event at one parent’s house instead of the scheduled parent’s house, then the adults should not take offense. There will be thousands of parenting opportunities for both parents; one day simply does not matter. The Long Haul Everyone’s life should improve after the divorce; otherwise, just stay married. If, after a year, routines have not stabilized, the children have not returned to their previous level of achievement and adjustment, or the parents are returning to court for parenting issues, then both parents should seek professional counseling for themselves. If the parents cannot control themselves and lead by example, divorce will certainly become an ACE with long-term negative consequences. Assuredly, nobody wants that.

Grandparents Rights - High Hurdle Marathons

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

Americans have high expectations for their close relationships. But all too often, it seems that those expectations are dashed. And divorce is largely considered the ultimate estrangement. But divorced parents can never truly go their separate ways because they share a child — and sharing a child means sharing a future. An estrangement between an adult child and parent, however, can be permanent. I see this in the number of distraught grandparents who seek legal remedies when their adult children have severed their relationship with them, and by default, with their grandchildren. In 2025, The Ohio State University will publish what may be an interesting sociological study as a book entitled The Families We Lose. Dr. Corinne Reczek conducted a longitudinal study of estrangements between adult children and their parents and reached several conclusions. Her research found that causes of estrangement centering upon an adult child’s disappointment with their childhood may involve lengthy prison stints, abuse or neglect by their parent. In those cases, a grandparent relationship may never have been established, thus eliminating the statutory prerequisite in Ohio for a grandparent relationship to already exist before it can be enforced. Adult children may separate from their parents mid-life because of financial issues or friction between their parent and their new partner. As a rule, the adult child feels completely justified; grandparents may blame the estrangement on their child having been in therapy or think their child has simply turned on them. Mothers and adult children are estranged less frequently than fathers and adult children, by a margin of 6 to 26%. Estrangements between fathers and adult children are more likely to be permanent. Most estrangements relax with time. The cultural expectation of “compulsory kinship” abhors a permanent split between generations. Statutory Schemes When Estrangement Is Active A famous 2020 case in Washington, Troxel v. Granville, resolved a raging controversy over the rights of grandparents. It ruled that fit parents have a liberty interest in raising their children as they please, including the power to decide whom may visit. But the reach of Troxel is limited because it considered only a specific state’s statute that had subsequently been rewritten anyway. In the U.S., there’s no constitutional or common law right to a relationship with one’s grandchildren. Instead, grandparent rights arise solely by state statute. Ohio has three separate statutory scenarios for grandparent rights, depending upon the circumstances of the parent; all three have been found by the Ohio Supreme Court to comply with the due process rights of parents, provided the parents’ wishes are given considerable weight. There must be an established relationship between the grandparent and grandchild for the grandparent to have standing just to start a legal case. This requirement all but eliminates the chances of a grandparent who has grandchildren they haven’t even met because of estrangement with the parent. Ohio provides for grandparent rights when a parent is deceased (O.R.C. § 3109.11); the parents are divorced (O.R.C. § 3109.051); or the grandchild is born to an unmarried woman (O.R.C. § 3109.12). As a practical matter, this means that unless a situation fits within one of these three statutory frameworks, a grandparent is foreclosed from grandparent visitation and relegated to Ohio’s general provisions for “any other person” visitation, which traditionally provides for far less visitation time. Once the established relationship is proven and one of those three specific scenarios is met, the grandparents still must prove that visitation is in the best interest of the child. The longer the grandparent-grandchild relationship has lasted, the more likely it will be in the child’s best interest for it to continue in some fashion. The longer the relationship and the older the child, the more likely it will be in the child’s best interest for it to continue. As in all custody matters, the courts ensure special care is taken with the wishes of teenagers; a teen has more power to say no to a grandparent as s/he ages, regardless of the past. Once a grandparent advances this far, the final hurdle to jump may still be insurmountable. That pertains to the legal reality that a parent’s wishes count far more than a grandparents’ wishes. This means that if a parent can point to a colorable reason to object to grandparental visitation, the parent’s wishes will likely prevail. Examples include a grandparent’s disbelief of a child’s claim of sexual abuse by a teacher; a grandparent’s membership in a group the parent opposes; a grandparent’s relentless grief over the death of the grandchild’s parent; and a grandparent’s disparagement of the child’s parent. At best, these examples could result in very limited visitation that leaves the grandparents to question whether it was worth it at all. To File or to Wait? There is no one answer; it depends on several things. If there’s an active estrangement, then the sudden loss of regular contact with a grandchild can cause an emotional loss to the grandparent. It’s usually best to allow a cooling-off period so that the previous relationship can be repaired. Counseling may be a good idea, but grandparents cannot order adult children to participate. If a parent dies, then grandparents will generally risk everything to maintain contact with the grandchild. But in every scenario, grandparents must be careful to keep to a secondary role in the lives of their grandchildren and respect the parents’ wishes on how they want to raise their children. The more overbearing the grandparents act, the bigger the fight, the longer the estrangement, and the less likelihood of achieving success in court.

Why Do Courts Award Custody to Mothers Most of the Time

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

Why Do Courts Award Custody to Mothers More Often Than Fathers? They don’t —at least, not like they used to. When I started my own law practice in 1991, I blazed a radical path by focusing on the rights of fathers. This occurred because one of my first clients happened to be a farmer who happened to be a father who happened to want custody of his 4-year-old daughter. And he happened to believe in me, despite my youth and obvious inexperience. (I suppose I was chosen less for his confidence in me than by my fee range that was commensurate with my experience, but I digress.) We won that case, and he proceeded to raise his daughter happily. It certainly helped that the child’s mother was bipolar, had a recent suicide attempt, kept a dirty house, and had a sister who testified as to her lack of mothering skills. But even with all of those circumstances, it was still a long shot for a father to be awarded custody of a daughter, particularly at that young age. After the case, he told his friends at the tractor store about me, and I then had several more fathers retain my legal services. My success rate was two out of three. Often, the mothers had baggage and the success of even a “clean” father in a contested custody case was unusual. The legal wins bolstered my reputation. At the time, I authored a published article about fatherhood and was informally designated a fathers’ rights attorney by the public. I enjoyed playing the long-shot odds because it meant that I could be creative and try anything. I learned that some fathers would do whatever I recommended and others wouldn’t do anything if it was my idea. I learned how to screen father-clients for their willingness to take direction. I also learned that the success of a case largely depended upon its set-up at the very beginning. Custody planning became my mantra. But no set-up was necessary for mothers. The prevailing sentiment was that, unless a mother came to court with a needle dangling in her arm, she would get custody of the children. The 1990s were also the dawning of public awareness of domestic violence and sexual abuse of children, neither of which helped fathers get custody. Origins of the Maternal Advantage The tender years doctrine — which dates back to the 19th century — states that children need their mothers more than their fathers. This doctrine assumed that children were better off with mothers because mothers are better nurturers and motherhood is the natural and necessary role for women. This was the law of the land until late into the 20th century. Fathers who changed diapers and got up with babies during the night were usually mocked. Widowed fathers were quickly scooped up in the singles’ market because it was assumed they couldn’t cope alone. Eventually, the best interest test for children became the lodestar for child custody cases, but it was still assumed that the best interests of the children were to be placed into the sole custody of the mother. The Oscar-winning 1979 movie, Kramer v. Kramer, based on Avery Corman’s 1977 novel, was a landmark mainly because it presented the plight of a father who persevered — yet still lost out to a mother who returned after a long and voluntary hiatus from their son. He got to see his son every other weekend. The Backlash The changing role of women and the willingness of men to take on previously feminized tasks led to a backlash where mothers were challenged as the rightful and automatic custodians of children. Fathers started keeping diaries of the foods they fed their children, the activities they did, and how they handled tantrums. They learned to avoid situations where they could be falsely accused of abuse. Much like women who demanded membership in unions, fathers demanded more than token parenting time orders with hefty child support burdens. Mothers hated this challenge. They argued that fathers were getting a round of applause every time they gave a child a bottle, while they still did the bulk of child raising. Slowly, courts noticed that much depended upon the individual circumstances of the parents involved, and fathers began to be taken seriously in court. Current Thinking The public still believes that mothers enjoy an advantage in custody cases, but the actual advantage for mothers is minimal. The official law of the land in Ohio is that the genders are equal in custody matters. The only thing mothers can do that fathers cannot is breastfeed. One strategy is for the mother to prolong breastfeeding as long as possible. Most courts now recognize the long-term importance of fatherhood and the huge advantage if the father-child bond is nurtured from birth. Fathers who ask for an equal say in parenting are now generally winning. Over time, fathers have lobbied well. The amount of child support orders is decreasing overall under new statutes that provide credits for additional parenting time. Almost all of the courts now have standard orders of parenting time that approach 40% to the non-custodial parent. The trend is for shared parenting to be the default position, with as near an equal division of parenting time as possible. The Future Of course, only time will tell, but the tender years doctrine is now something that most family law practitioners snicker at. The culture has changed so that the contributions of fathers are valued and respected. Now if a father truly steps up and does the dirty work of parenting,

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