In 2025, divorce rates are experiencing nuanced shifts across different demographics and regions. While overall divorce rates in countries like Canada and the U.S. have declined over recent decades, certain segments—such as older adults and younger couples—are seeing notable increases in marital dissolutions. This trend is influenced by a complex interplay of social, economic, and cultural factors. --- 1. Economic Pressures and Financial Stress Financial strain remains a leading cause of marital breakdowns. Rising debt, inflation, and economic uncertainties contribute to chronic stress within households, leading to resentment and reduced marital satisfaction. This phenomenon, often referred to as the "stress hypothesis," suggests that economic downturns can exacerbate relationship tensions, prompting more couples to consider divorce . --- 2. The Rise of "Gray Divorce" Divorces among individuals aged 50 and above, termed "gray divorces," are on the rise. Factors contributing to this trend include increased life expectancy, financial independence, and a desire for personal fulfillment in later life. Many older adults are less willing to remain in unfulfilling marriages, especially as societal stigmas around divorce diminish . --- 3. Shifting Attitudes Among Younger Generations Younger couples are exhibiting a lower tolerance for dissatisfaction in relationships. Influenced by evolving societal norms and the prevalence of online dating, many prioritize personal happiness over traditional marital commitments. This shift has led to an increase in divorces among younger demographics, who are more inclined to end marriages that don't meet their expectations . --- 4. Evolving Views on Commitment Modern discussions around marriage have introduced concepts like the "4-Year Marriage Contract," reflecting a growing desire for flexibility in long-term commitments. While not legally binding, such ideas highlight a cultural shift towards viewing marriage as a renewable agreement rather than a lifelong obligation . --- 5. Increased Awareness and Reporting of Domestic Issues Heightened awareness of domestic abuse and infidelity has empowered more individuals to leave harmful relationships. Surveys indicate that lack of commitment, frequent arguments, and infidelity are among the top reasons for divorce, with 73% citing lack of commitment and 55% pointing to infidelity as primary causes . --- 6. Societal Normalization of Divorce Divorce is increasingly viewed as a personal choice rather than a societal failure. This normalization is evident in cultural trends like the emergence of "divorce rings," symbolizing empowerment and new beginnings post-divorce. Such shifts indicate a broader acceptance of divorce as a viable option for personal growth and happiness . --- Conclusion The landscape of marriage and divorce in 2025 reflects broader societal changes. Economic challenges, evolving personal values, and increased autonomy are reshaping how individuals approach long-term relationships. As these trends continue, it's essential for couples to engage in open communication, seek mutual understanding, and consider professional guidance to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.

The Rise of Grey Divorces: Why More Couples Over 50 Are Choosing to Separate In recent years, a significant and often surprising trend has emerged in the world of relationships: the rise of the “grey divorce.” Once considered rare, divorces among couples aged 50 and older are becoming increasingly common. Known as grey divorces due to the age group typically involved, these separations are reshaping how society views marriage, aging, and long-term relationships.  According to statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau and studies in Canada and other Western countries, the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled since the 1990s. While overall divorce rates are declining among younger couples, the opposite is happening with older adults. This blog explores the causes behind this trend, the unique challenges grey divorces present, and what it means for individuals and families navigating this life change later in life. --- What Is a Grey Divorce? A grey divorce refers to the dissolution of a marriage in which one or both spouses are aged 50 or older. This term gained popularity as demographic data began revealing an upward trend in late-life separations. In many cases, these are marriages that have lasted 20, 30, or even 40 years. The phenomenon is not limited to a single country. Countries like Canada, the United States, the UK, and Australia have all seen a rise in grey divorces. The trend spans across different socioeconomic classes, though the financial implications can differ depending on the couple's income, savings, and retirement plans. --- Why Are Grey Divorces on the Rise? There isn’t one simple reason why more couples are divorcing later in life. Instead, a combination of social, emotional, and financial factors contribute to the rising numbers. Here are some of the most common: 1. Longer Life Expectancy People are living longer and healthier lives than previous generations. A person in their 50s or 60s today may expect to live another 20 to 30 years. If a marriage is no longer fulfilling, the idea of spending decades more in that relationship can become unbearable. Many people now view their later years as a time for reinvention, not stagnation. 2. Empty Nest Syndrome Many grey divorces occur shortly after children leave the home. Once the shared responsibility of parenting ends, some couples realize they have little in common. With the children gone, unresolved issues in the relationship often surface, leading to a separation. 3. Financial Independence Today’s older women, in particular, are more likely to have their own careers, retirement savings, and financial autonomy. In the past, women may have felt trapped in unhappy marriages due to financial dependence. Now, more women over 50 feel empowered to leave relationships that no longer serve them. 4. Changing Social Norms Divorce no longer carries the same stigma it once did. Society has become more accepting of the idea that it’s okay to leave a long-term relationship if it’s unfulfilling or toxic. This social shift has opened the door for older adults to pursue happiness on their own terms. 5. Second Marriages and Blended Families Statistics show that second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Many grey divorces involve remarried couples who find that blending families or managing finances in later life can create new conflicts and pressures. --- Challenges of Grey Divorce While ending a marriage at any age is difficult, grey divorces come with their own set of challenges that differ from those faced by younger couples. 1. Financial Impacts Dividing assets in a grey divorce can be especially complicated. Many couples have spent decades building wealth, saving for retirement, and acquiring property. A divorce can seriously disrupt retirement plans, affect pensions and RRSPs, and diminish the lifestyle both parties expected to enjoy. Spousal support is another critical factor. If one spouse was the primary breadwinner while the other managed the household, support payments may be necessary and long-term. 2. Emotional Toll Leaving a marriage after decades can be emotionally devastating. The loss of a long-term companion, changes in social circles, and feelings of failure or regret are common. Many individuals also face the prospect of living alone after a lifetime of partnership, which can be daunting. 3. Health and Insurance Concerns Health insurance and medical care are vital considerations for older adults. If one spouse was covered under the other's plan, a divorce can leave them uninsured or facing costly premiums. 4. Estate and Inheritance Planning Divorce can dramatically affect estate plans, wills, and inheritance. Decisions about power of attorney, beneficiaries, and healthcare directives may need to be revisited and revised. --- Moving Forward After a Grey Divorce While grey divorce can be painful and complex, many people emerge from the experience feeling renewed and hopeful. Here are a few steps individuals can take to navigate the transition: 1. Seek Legal and Financial Guidance Consulting a lawyer who specializes in family law and working with a financial advisor are essential steps in protecting your future. Understanding your rights regarding property, pensions, and support will help you make informed decisions. 2. Build a Support Network Divorce later in life can be isolating, especially if friends or family don’t understand your choice. Connecting with support groups or a therapist can provide much-needed emotional support during this time. 3. Rediscover Yourself After years of prioritizing family or a spouse, many people use this time to rediscover their interests and passions. Whether it’s traveling, starting a new hobby, or volunteering, this stage of life can be incredibly empowering. 4. Revisit Your Retirement Plan A financial planner can help you revise your retirement goals and create a new roadmap that fits your changed circumstances. It may involve downsizing, delaying retirement, or adjusting investment strategies. --- Final Thoughts The rise in grey divorces reflects broader social and cultural shifts. As people live longer, prioritize emotional well-being, and reject traditional notions of staying married “no matter what,” it’s natural to see more older adults choosing to end unsatisfying relationships. While the decision to divorce after decades of marriage is never easy, it can also be a powerful act of self-care and liberation. With the right support and planning, grey divorce doesn't have to be a crisis—it can be the beginning of a more authentic and fulfilling chapter of life.

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How a Marriage Grows Toxic and Signs That It May Be Coming to an End Marriage is often seen as a lifelong partnership built on love, trust, and mutual respect. However, over time, certain issues can surface, transforming what once was a healthy relationship into something toxic. Understanding how a marriage can grow toxic and recognizing the signs that it may be coming to an end is crucial for individuals who may be grappling with a difficult relationship. How a Marriage Grows Toxic 1. Communication Breakdown One of the earliest signs that a marriage is becoming toxic is a breakdown in communication. When partners stop discussing their feelings, concerns, or aspirations openly, misunderstandings and resentment can build. Over time, silence can turn into emotional distance, and minor disagreements can escalate into full-blown arguments because issues are left unresolved. 2. Emotional Disconnection Emotional intimacy is key to a healthy marriage. When one or both partners start to feel emotionally disconnected, it can signal the beginning of a toxic dynamic. This disconnection often leads to feelings of loneliness, frustration, or neglect, as partners stop seeking emotional support from each other. Emotional withdrawal can also be a coping mechanism for avoiding conflict, further widening the gap between spouses. 3. Constant Criticism and Blame Criticism is normal in any relationship, but when it becomes a constant feature of interactions, it can poison the marriage. Instead of addressing issues constructively, one partner might constantly criticize or blame the other, eroding their self-esteem. Over time, this dynamic can lead to feelings of worthlessness and resentment, contributing to an unhealthy environment. 4. Growing Contempt Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a marriage. It goes beyond criticism and includes expressions of disgust, disdain, and disrespect. When partners start to treat each other with contempt—rolling their eyes, mocking, or making belittling remarks—this indicates that the relationship has crossed into toxic territory. 5. Resentment Builds Over Time Unresolved issues, unmet expectations, and emotional wounds can lead to a buildup of resentment. When partners fail to address these underlying problems, the anger and bitterness can fester, turning small conflicts into larger issues. Resentment causes partners to view each other in a negative light, which can further damage the relationship. 6. Lack of Physical Intimacy Physical intimacy is an important part of any marriage. When the physical connection diminishes, it can signify emotional detachment. Couples who no longer share affection, like hugging, kissing, or even holding hands, may feel like roommates rather than partners. This lack of intimacy can reinforce emotional distance and lead to further strain in the marriage. 7. Unhealthy Power Dynamics Toxic relationships often involve imbalanced power dynamics, where one partner dominates or controls the other. This can manifest in financial control, decision-making without consultation, or emotional manipulation. A healthy marriage involves mutual respect and equal partnership, and when one partner holds excessive power, it leads to an unhealthy dynamic that fosters resentment. Signs a Marriage May Be Coming to an End 1. Frequent Arguments or Silent Treatment If arguments become more frequent and intense, or if one or both partners resort to the silent treatment, it could indicate that the relationship is nearing its end. Constant fighting without resolution suggests that both individuals are no longer invested in working through their problems, while silence can signify emotional withdrawal and disinterest in the marriage. 2. Emotional or Physical Infidelity Cheating, whether emotional or physical, is often a symptom of a failing marriage. If one partner seeks intimacy, connection, or validation outside the marriage, it’s a sign that they are no longer fulfilled in the relationship. Infidelity is a clear indicator that trust has been broken, and it can be difficult to repair the marriage after such a betrayal. 3. Loss of Interest in Spending Time Together When spouses no longer enjoy each other's company or actively avoid spending time together, it may be a sign that the relationship is deteriorating. If one or both partners prioritize time with friends, work, or hobbies over their relationship, it indicates that the bond is weakening and that they may be emotionally checked out. 4. Indifference or Apathy Indifference is often a stronger indicator of a marriage's impending end than anger. When one or both partners stop caring about the outcome of conflicts, future plans, or each other's feelings, it signals emotional detachment. Apathy indicates that the effort to maintain the relationship is no longer there, and this can lead to a slow dissolution of the marriage. 5. Feelings of Relief When Apart Feeling relief or happiness when apart from your spouse can be a telling sign that the marriage is in trouble. In a healthy relationship, partners generally enjoy spending time together, even during difficult periods. When time apart feels like an escape from negativity, it may be a sign that the marriage is no longer providing the support or companionship that it once did. 6. Considering or Discussing Separation When discussions about separation or divorce become frequent, it’s a strong indicator that the marriage may be nearing its end. Even if the topic is broached in the heat of an argument, consistently thinking or talking about ending the marriage means that at least one partner is seriously contemplating life without the other. Conclusion Recognizing when a marriage has become toxic is important for individuals to make informed decisions about their future. While every marriage has its ups and downs, persistent issues like lack of communication, emotional disconnection, and growing resentment can signal deeper problems. Paying attention to the signs that a marriage may be coming to an end—such as indifference, infidelity, or frequent arguments—can help individuals decide whether to seek he

The Struggles of a Single Mother in the United States: Navigating Life with Strength and Resilience Being a mother is often described as one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles a woman can undertake. But for single mothers in the United States, the journey can be even more arduous. Without a partner to share the load, single mothers face unique struggles that can affect their emotional, financial, and physical well-being. Despite these challenges, millions of single mothers show immense strength and resilience every day, navigating a path filled with both adversity and opportunity. 1. Financial Strain: Juggling Bills and Expenses One of the most significant challenges single mothers face is financial strain. In many cases, single mothers are the sole breadwinners for their families, often earning less than their married counterparts. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, single-mother households are more likely to live in poverty than two-parent households. With the cost of housing, healthcare, education, and childcare rising, many single mothers find themselves stretched thin financially. The struggle to make ends meet can also mean working multiple jobs or long hours, leaving little time for rest or quality time with their children. In some cases, single mothers may have to choose between paying bills and putting food on the table, a heart-wrenching decision that can add to the emotional burden they carry. 2. Balancing Work and Parenting: A Constant Tug-of-War For single mothers, the challenge of balancing work and parenting is a constant tug-of-war. With no one to share responsibilities, single moms must be both the provider and the caregiver. This often means sacrificing personal time, sleep, and even career advancement to ensure their children are well cared for. Childcare can also be a major obstacle. Finding affordable, reliable childcare can be difficult, particularly for single mothers who work irregular hours or low-wage jobs. The lack of support may force them to rely on friends, family, or even leave their children unsupervised, creating anxiety and stress over their children’s well-being. 3. Emotional and Mental Health: The Weight of Responsibility Single mothers often experience a unique emotional toll due to the overwhelming responsibility they shoulder. The pressure to provide, nurture, and protect their children without a support system can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, and anxiety. The mental and emotional weight of being the sole decision-maker for their family can also lead to burnout. Social stigmas around single motherhood may further compound these feelings. Some single mothers may face judgment or discrimination based on their marital status, making it harder to seek help or feel accepted in their communities. 4. Limited Access to Education and Career Growth Many single mothers struggle to pursue higher education or career advancement due to time constraints and financial pressures. The lack of affordable childcare, coupled with the need to work full-time, leaves little opportunity for single moms to return to school or take on additional training. Without access to further education, many single mothers are confined to low-paying jobs with limited growth opportunities, perpetuating a cycle of financial instability. This can make it harder for them to improve their family’s living conditions or break free from the financial struggles they face. 5. Healthcare Challenges Access to healthcare can be another significant hurdle for single mothers in the U.S., particularly for those without health insurance. The cost of medical care, including doctor visits, prescriptions, and emergency services, can be prohibitive for families living paycheck to paycheck. This can lead to delays in seeking necessary care for both the mother and her children, resulting in long-term health issues that could have been prevented with early intervention. 6. Social Isolation and Lack of Support Single mothers often experience a sense of social isolation, particularly if they don’t have a strong support network. Without a partner to lean on, single mothers may feel lonely and disconnected, especially when it comes to facing difficult parenting decisions or personal challenges. While family and friends can sometimes step in to provide support, not all single mothers have this luxury. The absence of a reliable support system can make everyday tasks, such as running errands or attending school events, much more difficult. Overcoming the Struggles: The Strength of Single Mothers Despite these challenges, single mothers in the United States demonstrate remarkable resilience and strength. They often find ways to overcome adversity, whether by seeking out community resources, creating their own support networks, or simply persevering through difficult times. Many organizations and government programs exist to help single mothers, offering financial assistance, affordable housing, and educational opportunities. Single mothers who are aware of these resources can find relief from some of their struggles, allowing them to focus more on their children’s well-being and their own personal growth. Conclusion: The Importance of Empathy and Support The struggles of a single mother in the United States are numerous and complex, but they are not insurmountable. By recognizing the challenges they face and offering support, whether through policy changes, community involvement, or simple acts of kindness, we can help ease the burden on single mothers. These women are raising the next generation, and it is in everyone’s best interest to ensure they have the tools, resources, and emotional support they need to thrive. Every single mother deserves recognition for the strength she embodies and the sacrifices she makes to provide a better life for her children. With more understanding, empathy, and practical support, we can create a society that uplifts and empowers single mothers in their journey.

Child abuse is a devastating and tragic experience that can leave long-lasting emotional, psychological, and physical scars. While the immediate impact on children is often heartbreaking, the effects of abuse often extend into adulthood, shaping the victim's future in profound and harmful ways. As a society, we must understand these long-term consequences to offer better support for survivors and prevent future abuse. This blog will delve into the various forms of child abuse, its long-term effects on individuals as they grow older, and how these effects manifest in adult life. Types of Child Abuse Child abuse can take various forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. Each form of abuse has its unique set of consequences, but all share the potential to damage a child’s development and well-being. 1. Physical Abuse: Physical abuse includes any form of violence or harm inflicted on a child’s body, such as hitting, beating, or burning. The visible effects are often easier to recognize, but the emotional scars left behind can be more profound. 2. Emotional Abuse: Emotional or psychological abuse involves verbal attacks, constant criticism, humiliation, and other behaviors that damage a child’s sense of self-worth. This form of abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. 3. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse occurs when a child is forced or coerced into sexual activities by an adult or older individual. The betrayal of trust, combined with feelings of shame and guilt, often leaves victims with severe emotional and psychological damage. 4. Neglect: Neglect occurs when a caregiver fails to provide for a child's basic needs, including food, shelter, education, medical care, and emotional support. Neglect can lead to developmental delays, poor health, and emotional instability. The Long-Term Psychological and Emotional Impact of Child Abuse Childhood abuse can create a deep emotional wound that follows victims into adulthood. Survivors of abuse often experience a range of mental health issues, including: 1. Anxiety and Depression Abused children are more likely to experience anxiety and depression as adults. The constant fear, insecurity, and trauma experienced during childhood often leave lasting psychological effects. Survivors may suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, or chronic depression. Research shows that adults who were abused as children are more likely to experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming feelings of distress related to the abuse can interfere with daily functioning, relationships, and overall mental health. 2. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Children who grow up in abusive environments often internalize negative messages from their abusers. As adults, they may struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Emotional abuse, in particular, instills a belief in survivors that they are not deserving of love, care, or success. This negative self-perception can result in difficulties forming healthy relationships and pursuing career goals. 3. Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships Survivors of child abuse frequently struggle with relationships in adulthood. Having grown up in an environment of mistrust and fear, they may find it difficult to trust others or form meaningful emotional connections. Attachment issues are common, with some individuals avoiding intimacy and emotional closeness, while others may cling to unhealthy or codependent relationships. The fear of abandonment or rejection often lingers, making it hard to develop healthy, secure attachments. Abuse can also lead to boundary issues, where survivors either struggle to assert their boundaries or build walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. This can lead to dysfunctional relationships, either marked by a lack of emotional connection or by repeated involvement with abusive or manipulative partners. 4. Substance Abuse and Addiction Adults who experienced child abuse are more likely to develop substance abuse problems as a way to cope with the emotional pain and trauma. Drugs, alcohol, or other addictive behaviors can become mechanisms to numb feelings of anxiety, depression, or isolation. Unfortunately, substance abuse can lead to a cycle of self-destruction, often furthering the emotional damage caused by the initial abuse. 5. Mental Health Disorders In addition to anxiety and depression, survivors of child abuse may develop other mental health disorders, such as bipolar disorder, personality disorders, dissociative identity disorder (DID), or borderline personality disorder (BPD). The emotional and psychological strain of childhood abuse disrupts the brain’s normal development, leading to long-lasting mental health challenges that require professional treatment. The Physical Health Effects of Childhood Abuse In addition to the emotional and psychological effects, child abuse can also have severe physical health consequences that last into adulthood. 1. Chronic Health Conditions Studies have shown that adults who were abused as children are more likely to suffer from chronic health conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and autoimmune disorders. The stress and trauma endured during childhood can lead to physiological changes in the body, such as inflammation and altered stress hormone levels, which contribute to the development of long-term health problems. 2. Self-Harm and Suicidal Tendencies Survivors of child abuse are at a higher risk of engaging in self-harm or experiencing suicidal thoughts. The intense emotional pain and unresolved trauma may lead individuals to hurt themselves as a way to cope or express their distress. Without proper intervention and mental health support, these individuals may be at increased risk of suicide attempts. 3. Higher Risk of Re-victimization Tragically, adults who were abused as children may be more likely to experience further abuse or victimization later in life. The trauma of childhood abuse can distort a survivor’s ability to recognize unhealthy behaviors in others, potentially leading them into abusive relationships or environments as adults. Furthermore, the ingrained feelings of worthlessness or powerlessness may leave survivors vulnerable to exploitation by others. The Societal and Economic Impact The effects of child abuse extend beyond the individual and impact society as a whole. Adults who suffer from the long-term consequences of abuse may struggle with maintaining steady employment, leading to economic instability. They may also experience difficulties in education, social integration, and personal development, limiting their potential contributions to society. Moreover, the health care system bears a significant burden, as abused individuals often require more medical and mental health services throughout their lives. The social costs of untreated trauma, including addiction, homelessness, and crime, further compound the societal impact of childhood abuse. Healing and Moving Forward Despite the devastating effects of child abuse, survivors can recover and lead fulfilling lives with the right support and interventions. Therapy is often a crucial step in the healing process, allowing survivors to process their trauma, rebuild self-esteem, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Various forms of therapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-focused therapy, and group counseling, can provide valuable tools for healing. Survivors must also work on rebuilding trust in themselves and others, setting healthy boundaries, and addressing any underlying mental health or addiction issues. It’s essential for survivors to seek support from friends, family, and professionals who understand their experiences and can help them navigate the healing process.  Conclusion Child abuse leaves long-lasting scars that affect survivors in every aspect of their adult lives. Understanding these long-term effects is crucial for providing support, promoting healing, and preventing future abuse. With the right resources, survivors of child abuse can overcome their trauma and build a future defined by resilience and hope, rather than the pain of the past.

When I Became a Guardian Ad Litem Few attorneys will willingly accept a 60% hourly billing rate reduction and agree to work after hours and on weekends. After decades of flame-throwing divorce litigation, I needed a change. The change I chose required 12 hours of upfront specialized training, a criminal background check with fingerprints, and three professional references. Only after jumping these hurdles did I become eligible to be appointed as an attorney Guardian Ad Litem (“GAL”) in Ohio courts. I’ve now been a GAL for just over a year. To those unfamiliar with the vast world of child related court cases, a GAL represents the best interests of the child. This representation can take place in a custody or parenting time or visitation case; in an Abuse – Neglect - Dependency case (“AND”); or in delinquency case where the child is accused of a crime. The best interest is not representing the wishes of the child but what is in his long-term best interest. When the child wants something adverse to his own best interests, then a separate attorney is appointed to advocate for what the child’s wishes. Wanting something against one’s own best interest is proof positive that children are people too. This overlooked reality played a large factor in my decision to undertake GAL work. Abuse, Neglect, Dependency: The Terribles & Tragedies These are the cases broadcast on the local news that make the public scream for the death penalty. There is a shortage of lawyers willing to have any part of these cases because of the low pay and the horror stories that cause nightmares. As soon as I was eligible for appointments, I was assigned almost immediately to three different drug-addicted infants. All were born addicted and had to be weaned off the drugs they received in utero. My job was to monitor the mothers’ progress in rehab and determine whether the new baby would be sufficient motivation to give up their drug of choice. The fathers were either absent or unidentified. Two mothers succeeded and there was an acceptable alternative family placement for the one who did not even try. For some addicts, their drug becomes their family. The abuse and neglect cases usually meant a parent had lost control in a minute of anger or that the parent was homeless, mentally ill or disabled. A network of county services try to remedy the usually long-standing life problems that debilitate a person’s ability to care for a child. In AND cases, the GAL is appointed until the child emancipates. It would be easy to make these cases a full-time career because the children keep coming back when a parent relapses or a placement fails. The chance to have a long-term view of the child’s life and development is the best part of these appointments. The worst part is that one learns what happens behind closed doors. Delinquencies These cases remind me the most of my days as a public defender on the felony docket. The juvenile justice system is intended to rehabilitate, not punish, the child. As long as the child is not charged as an adult, the cases tend to be one-offs where a child steals a car, hits a student or steals from a store. If a child is certified as an adult, he faces the same penalties as they do “across the street,” referring to adult felony court. That street is to be avoided at all costs. Some older kids are just pre-felony adults. Much like foster kids who age out of the system, their future is not bright. Thankfully, they are still kids and do not realize how much more brutal life can become, or how quickly. Custody, Parenting and Grandparent Cases These cases have made the biggest improvements to my skills as a private attorney. I have spent most of my work life representing clients who will fight for nothing other than a chance to have fought. There are exceptions, and some clients have become life-long friends, but there are reasons the rate of alcoholism for family law attorneys is so high. For the first time as a GAL, I get to hear from both parties, and their children, directly. It has been eye-opening to watch how what the parent says is to me contrasts with their attorney’s view of the case. Spin is good, but spin is not truth, and a direct view of the parents’ behavior behind the spin is what the courts want from its GALs. Red Flags & Dog Whistles in a GAL Investigation A full 90% of complaints between parents are just bickering. The fate of the child does not depend upon who gets spring break this year; or whether the child is around a family member who smokes; or whether the child goes to dad’s house straight from school or returns to mom’s house to change clothes first. I have had to listen to these complaints from clients as a lawyer and it is refreshing to be able to bluntly shut down these notions in my role as GAL. The very first caution light is a GAL parent who requests an extended first appointment. Sixty minutes is adequate for almost all new meetings. Beyond that, the meeting devolves into a retelling of every wrong the other parent has done. If a GAL parent comes to me asking for more than 60 minutes upfront, I get scared. Obviously they have thought about what they want to convey and they expect a lot of time to tell their story. To a GAL, it’s not the parents’ story that matters, but the child’s. Sixty minutes is plenty. Even worse is the parent who brings a wheelbarrow of “evidence” to the initial meeting. This generally consists of endless text messages and calendars written in some cypher only they can understand. The very worst is the demonstrable evidence--when a parent brings in a child’s dirty underwear or even worse, a used diaper. If you do this, you have lost all perspective as a parent and as a human being and I feel sorry for your child. Another common problem is the parent who simply will not accept that their way is not the only way. Everyone thinks they know the best way to raise children, but to some parents this thought is ever present. I have seen text messages where one parent orders the other to be quiet or to stop responding. One parent would not even consider agreeing upon basic house rules that would stay the same in each house. There was no reason to consider changes or possible improvements. The very worst is the parent or client who claims the child is an angel while on their time so therefore all the problems the other parents have must be that parents’ fault. This is the ultimate weapon of blame designed to shame and shut-down the other parent. The correct response would be, why does my child believe it is appropriate to act this way with the other parent? How might I assist the child to respect the other parent? Almost always, the child’s dual behavior is caused by the contempt the righteous parent feels towards the struggling parent. Final Thoughts A good GAL must be a good observer. The GAL advocates for the child and this makes some parents feel as if the whole system is biased against them. The process is unbiased, but the GAL recommendations are based upon observation and application of the law.